When I was younger, turning 18 seemed momentous. Voting, tattoos, lottery tickets and the overall sense of autonomy reeled me in.

But as I approach my 18th birthday, I feel unready for a future full of responsibilities. While I know the actual day, Dec. 17, won’t be a sudden turning point, it reminds me that my childhood is essentially over. Yet, I feel conflicted as I embrace the new possibilities of independence, and simultaneously want to hold on to my childhood.

Growing up, I always viewed my older sister as a symbol of independence. Being young for her grade, she entered college as a 17-year-old. And, even before that, she was financially independent for the most part—paying for car insurance, gas, clothes, etc. She rarely ate dinner at home because she was always working, doing schoolwork or with friends. I admired her maturity and wanted to be just like her.

As I grew up and I now reflect on myself, I wonder if that same independence will come naturally to me when the clock strikes midnight on my birthday. I’ve always been the “baby” of the family, spending time with my parents and seeking their advice as their youngest daughter.

On my 18th birthday, even though I may wake up with a sudden knowledge of the stock market and the ability to sign myself up for the military, I will choose to cherish my childhood, enjoying time with my parents and asking “stupid questions.” 

At the same time, I hope to see 18 as a doorway to the future—where I establish my school plans, career goals and political affiliation. Yet, I am unsure as to my next steps, and being an adult gives me the pressure to know who I am and what I want to be—even when I don’t know all the answers. 

The fear of the unknown and the inevitable step of leaving home leaves me conflicted—I am both excited and scared for the new independence adulthood will give me.