I’ve always had a special talent for being late in the morning, and, undoubtedly, there is more than one contributing factor to this. But truthfully, I’m just too lazy to take responsibility for my own laziness. I’d rather just deceive myself by saying my tardiness is the school’s fault. Even if I did just destroy my own credibility, there is surely an argument to be made here; 7:30a.m is too early on so many levels.

To start off my argument, I’ll say that I’ve never met a teenager who was happy about waking up at 6:30 or earlier to come to school. I would bet the couple dollars I currently have in my bank account on Nancy Grace saying something annoying before wagering I could find a kid who feels differently about a dawn wakeup.

The slumped over kid drooling on the table across from me as I type this is proof.

Now, I am adding to what I just wrote there seven hours later it’s now 11:40p.m — because I procrastinated like any unwise teen, proving my point once again. My species is not built for waking up or going to bed early.

And I actually found real evidence, scientific evidence to back what I am saying– Danny’s column probably has none of that. According to kidshealth.org, kids of my age have a weird circadian rhythm because the hormone melatonin is produced later at night; I don’t know what any of that means so I’ll leave it up to you to interpret (that’s how everyone writes songs these days so maybe it’ll work for columns).

But, anyhow, that’s my excuse – you see, it’s the melatonin’s fault. Clearly, we adolescents have some brain defect, so why can’t teachers show me any pity when I lumber into school 10 minutes late everyday and distract the whole class with my aggressive groans? Teachers can be so selfish.

Not to mention there is clear research linking poorer grades to sleep deprivation. How am I supposed to learn anything when sleep is begging for my company? I can literally do anything I want when I’m dreaming, but I can’t even find a slope in Calculus, so why would I restrict myself to the reality of a high school classroom? Do you have a problem with me overdramatizing my argument with so many rhetorical questions? I bet Danny hasn’t learned that trick either.

As a side note here, if you’re going to sleep in class, then just own it. If you get called on in the midst of your snooze, don’t try hiding the truth. There’s nothing that bothers me more (except maybe war and poverty) than when a kid tries covering up the fact that his head was in his knees by saying something generic like “I was listening – that was a good use of pathos” or “that’s an interesting point Ms. Something.”

I have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow again, so I’m going to hit the sack now- my column probably would’ve given Shakespeare a run for his money if I could’ve spent more time on it. But, nay, we’ll never know because I have to get at least a couple hours of sleep and it’s 12:13. And falling asleep isn’t easy when I got this melatonin deficiency. I guess I’ll try counting sheep.