The cheers, the jerseys, the fanatic Facebook statuses: these are all things I will probably never comprehend. I can understand football about as much as I can understand Chinese.

Every Super Bowl, it’s the same scenario: me, sitting in a living room feigning camaraderie with fellow fans of the team most admired by those in my proximity. I have compassion for those who share my lack of understanding because the Super Bowl is basically a national holiday, and it’s no fun to be left out of the celebration. After attending this year’s festivities, despite my complete lack of knowledge, I have finally come up with several solid tips for faking fandom that can be applied to basically any sports game or event:

 Dress the Part

Wear a jersey or t-shirt of your  “favorite team,” paired with jeans or cut-off shorts. If you’re a girl, avoid the pink, bedazzled jerseys that are made to represent your femininity rather than the actual team color. You want to show your genuine support (wink wink) but don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard. You might look like a poser—or even worse, give a true fan the impression that you actually know what you’re talking about. That brings me to my next point.

Only Have Conversations During Commercials

When the game is on, just pretend to be totally absorbed. Chances are, most people around you actually care about the plays and what is going on. Stay away from sports commentary or you might blow your cover. Commercials, unlike the game, can be easy subjects of conversation for anyone. You will give the people around you the illusion that you are participating in the full experience, and thereby will avoid drawing attention to your athletic oblivion.

Imitate

Echo and mirror the fans around you. When the people around you cheer, cheer. When they protest and whine, protest and whine. When they jump up and down, jump up and down. This is an obvious way of showing that you understand the gist of what’s going on. To uphold your masquerade, it is important to gain rapport with fellow fans by participating in unarticulated hype.

Embrace the Snacks

Food is part of the American sports experience. Having some wings in front of you is patriotic and characteristic of a wholehearted fan. Enjoying the snacks around you gives people the impression that you’re engaged and understand what’s going on. It’s a fool’s paradise.

Beware

Faking fandom is risky. Real sports fans tend to be bothered by those who do it. If you do blow your cover, you risk disrespecting the team, its fans, and in some cases an American tradition. You also risk looking like an idiot. While pretending to be dedicated to a team can be effective for the sake of participating in a fun event, if you want to have a genuinely enjoyable experience, you might want to consider reading a beginners’ guide to the respective sport. You don’t have to become an expert, but if you at least familiarize yourself with the game, you will be able to participate and not feel like a fool about it.

Worst Things to Say When You’re Watching… 

Basketball:

• “Goal!”

• “Is Duke good?”

• “So that team is going to that goal, right?”

Football:

• “So, Eli Manning doesn’t play defense?”

• “What happens if both teams score a touchdown at the same time?”

• “What’s a Tebow?”

Baseball:

• “I only watch them when they’re  winning.”

• “Which team is wearing the white costumes?”

• “He shoots, he scores!”

• “Look, they scored a point!”

Hockey:

• “What inning is it?”

• “Touchdown!”

• “The players need to stop fighting so much.”

Soccer:

• “I didn’t know they played this game in America!”

• “Wait, is that the Calvin Klein model?”