Walking through the hallways is harder than navigating I-95 during rush hour.

Every turn you make in this school, there is a student unaware of their surroundings. Simple hallway etiquette is apparently lost.

How hard is it to understand that you’re supposed to walk on the right side of the hallway? My British friends know that!

It doesn’t help when students make sharp turns and slam into me with a hot cup of coffee.

At least in a car accident you exchange insurance information. In the hallways, every hit is a hit and run. And why shouldn’t it be? If you get in a bunch of car accidents, you get your license taken away. But when some guy bumps into you walking to class, he can do it over and over again.

This is why I believe that all Staples students should be required to go through a “Walker’s Ed” course and apply for a “Walking License.” Students should be responsible for the havoc they wreak on their war-path to class.

We will need to put certain walking laws into place:

Minimum walking speed of three MPH: When I have just sat through 10 minutes of traffic and have just run to school from Wakeman, a gaggle of freshman moseying on down the hallway at the speed of a sloth is the last thing I need. I could just walk around them, if they were not holding hands like they were playing some cruel game of Red Rover. Instating a minimum speed limit would keep traffic flowing.

Prepare for your turn before you make it: Generally, when someone is making a left turn in their car, they switch lanes. The same should happen in the hallway. I shouldn’t stop short when someone did not have the foresight to get ready to turn into a class that they go to four times a week. The rule is simple: if your class is on the left side of the hallway, start shifting to the left early on. Don’t cut in front of someone, muttering a half-hearted, “Oops,” as you storm into class.

No distracting devices: Texters, callers, and iPod listeners clog the hallways when they get engrossed by their device. What message could you possibly have before English class that is so important that it couldn’t wait to be sent until lunch? Is it really necessary to text friends during the five precious minutes we have to get to class? IPods are even worse. I have seen way too many people walk to the beat of a slow song who become totally oblivious to the people behind them. If you are that bored during passing time that you need put on music, put on a fast rock song. So what would happen if a student consistently broke these “laws?” Simple. They would lose their license to walk in school. Obviously, this would create a problem, as they would need to get to class, and they certainly wouldn’t be driving their cars through the hallways. (I’ve seen some of your driving skills when I leave Wakeman. They aren’t a strong improvement over your walking.)

Here is my solution: All students who have had their licenses suspended must count on a friend to provide them transportation. This could be done in the form of a piggy-back ride, having the friend slung over the “designated walker’s” (DW) shoulder, or the DW could even invest in a stroller.

Sure, this may be drastic, but it certainly beats having these out-of-control pedestrians barreling through our hallways.