The Internet is perfect for many things, including academic research, non-profit organization sites, instant news, and pornography.

Students at Staples will use the Internet heavily for social networking, like Facebook and Instant Messaging, others will use it for finding the latest music that they like.

But I have found something better to use it for, something ridiculous; the Internet is a haven for violently opinionated people that like to make outrageous claims such as North Dakota not existing.

Are you finished with your homework? Have you already checked your notifications on Facebook 30 times? Do you have anything better to do?

If you answered “yes” to the first two questions, and no to the third, then read this column, because what I find over the course of this year will be more ludicrous and weird than anything you could experience in the real world.

This journey we are about to embark on will take us to the bowels of the Internet, the virtual toilet that houses the thoughts—or should I say, “brain-farts” of these misguided and ill-informed human beings.

Here’s what I found.

My first venture will take us to a website called “www.elvis-is-alive.com” which is pretty self explanatory: they focus on the “no doubt” fact that Elvis Presley is still alive and is working for the federal government. Who would doubt that the king of rock and roll is secretly operating undercover for the Drug Enforcement Agency in order to “continue in his fight against drug use.”

Apparently, during a 1970 meeting with former President Richard Nixon, he was given a position as a special agent in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs (later entitled the DEA) because of Elvis’ animate contempt for hippie drug culture, he soon became involved in snapping Mafia and drug rings in a Federal Bureau of Investigation sting operation.

This makes perfect sense, because Elvis’ career as a musician was superficial at best. It was always clear from his lack of success in the music industry that he was destined to become an undercover agent for the DEA.

So, on Aug 16, 1977, the day on which Elvis died, the federal government finally issued arrest warrants to a large number of people in the drug ring Elvis was supposedly working on with the FBI.

I don’t know about you guys, but that doesn’t sound the least bit suspect to me.

Before “The King” was pronounced dead, the paramedics “faked” attempting to bring him back to life, and the coroner’s official report has never been released.

Photos of Elvis in his coffin have never been verified to be him, and the signature on his death certificate has been “proven” to be Elvis’ own handwriting.

I mean, it is very plausible that Elvis is still alive, this indisputable evidence has aided in my understanding that Elvis was more interested in solving the drug and communism problem (two things he apparently believed were directly linked) than he was in his music.

He better be damn good at undercover work.