For all you NCAA basketball fans, the March Madness tournament is the highlight of your year. If you’re truly a college basketball fan, you should be eat, sleep, and breathing basketball several years prior to the tournament. If you’re not dedicating 110% of your effort and time into analyzing statistical data for each and every player, then you can’t call yourself a true baller. Having never made a bracket myself or even expressed minimal interested in March Madness, I feel it’s my duty as an American citizen to utilize my refreshingly unique perspective to enlighten the public on how to create a perfect bracket for next season.

Rule #1: Spend absolutely as much time as possible on preparation. The madness of your research process should not be starting in March, and don’t think that starting your bracket-making process the last week of February counts as thorough. You should be starting to brainstorm and toy with possible outcomes at least a solid five to seven years before the tournament begins in order to cop the winning bracket.

Rule #2: Brackets before EVERYTHING. It’s basketball season people, there’s no time to waste your energy on regular things like family, friends, or your education/academic future. Socratic seminar worth 200 points? Forget about making notecards, remember your bracket. Your friend is moving to China? That’s too bad, remember your bracket. You’ll see her in a few years anyway. Grandpa’s dying? No time to visit, remember your bracket. A major key to success in March Madness is to utilize your time wisely, and stay up until three a.m. analyzing player stats and professional predictions to calculate flawless results.

Rule #3: Fight with everyone about who’s going to win. It’s been scientifically proven that engaging in intense debates with your fellow peers about which schools will make it to the Final Four will dramatically increase your chance at being right. Persuasive and intelligent comebacks such as “you’re an idiot” and “seriously, they suck” are key in winning an argument and helping your team get to the championship. However, this is also when your extensive research comes in… come prepared to every argument-whether it be at the lunch table, on the bus, or during a test-with a solid 3-5 pages of notes and statistical support for your argument.

When you get a perfect bracket next year, I expect a handwritten “thank you” card and 20% of your prize money mailed to my home address.