*Satire*

As “The Donald” secured the Republican presidential nomination many find themselves wondering who he will choose for his elected running mate. However, the populace clearly has forgotten what Trump stands for, and therefore have failed to consider the possibility that he will be his own running mate.

This is a man committed to true excellence. Think about it, Trump holds unbelievably high standards for himself and his staff. The man’s slogan is “you’re fired” second only to “make America great again.” Because he’s fired so many people who are simply not up to his level of competence, he won’t even need a vice president! Talk about efficiency!

Trump has even deemed his defining characteristic of the Trump Brand in one word and that is “quality.” As college-touring students, we all know how easy it is to throw around the word “quality.” I’m sure at one point or another we’ve all had the privilege of staying in a 2-star rated “Quality Inn” where the towels are undeniably made of sandpaper, and their water pressure is that of a leaky bucket. Quality!

Trump is a highly intelligent man who simply does not require guidance to make his decisions – just ask him!  According to Trump himself at a campaign rally earlier this year, “I know words, I have the best words.” If that isn’t reassuring, I really don’t know what is. Talk about Ivy League material.

As a self-proclaimed “unifier,” we should trust such a man to be able to rally the country around him on his own and to look out for his fellow man. Just look at how he’s welcomed the Muslim population into our country with such grace and open arms. Why would someone so powerful and widely popular even need a second-hand-man?

The Donald has redefined the elusive ‘tall, dark and handsome’ favorable male traits to ‘average height, orange, and constantly wearing an overly smug expression.’ Ah yes, march that sun kissed complexion right into the oval office. Don’t worry about placing the Declaration of Independence into those freshly spray-tanned hands, the document has already withstood a couple hundred years, why not add some Trump authenticity.

Don’t even bother constantly updating your news apps, Donald is without a doubt electing himself as his own vice president, and guess what, ‘it’s gonna be great.’